Overcoming Stereotypes and Why Coaching for Men Is Important

Mindset

30 Sept

When I started training, the discussion about depression and mental health was just starting to get traction.

At the time, I was suffering depression, although I was never clinically diagnosed. I had the feeling I was. I was looking on websites to get clarification one way or another. But at no time did I ever go to a Doctor.

Looking back, I'm not sure why. Maybe it was the fact I didn't want to deal with it, maybe I didn't want my family to know. Maybe I wasn't even sure.

All I did know was that on a regular basis I felt more down than up, and unless I made a change, something would break.

I had friends who'd had similar problems with depression, I could talk to them luckily. They pointed me in the right direction (which I never went in), but knowing there was some support there was invaluable.

But really, I decided to solve that problem as many men especially have done in the past; being stubborn and doing it myself.

"Being tough" they call it

And so, I started training. Really it's an age old story of a boy (I genuinely still felt like that at the time), earning his stripes through hard work and grit.

Typing this now means that process worked for me, but it doesn't always...

This isn't about depression though.

This is about feelings, thoughts, ideas and stereotypes.

This is about the story society has told men through the ages, about what a man should be, and how that story isn't completely right.

But not completely wrong either.

How should a man look?

How should a man act?

And apart from the obvious, what makes a man, "a man"?

The word "should" is where things start to come unstuck on both sides of this discussion. But I'll dive into that a little later.

As a male coach, I've coached men to become better men.

Yet this had nothing to do with becoming stronger, even becoming stronger is actually one of our training goals for many clients, men or women.

No, this was more about responsibility, courage, and leading by example.

It was about talking about things, advice, learning and actual coaching.

Is this the definition of a man?

Or should a man be physically strong?

Is a man's job to protect and provide?

Should a man just "suck it up" and deal with it?

For me, the truth lies somewhere in between; as most things in life, it's rarely black and white.

I can hear the cry from the politically correct left wing right now talking about putting pressure on men to act and behave a certain way...

Quite far from it however.

You see I've trained many male who have clients come and tell me to my face they need help, or their mindset is fucked at that moment.

And the courage to do so, to be seen as "weak", wasn't a weakness at all. It was a strength.

Here were men who were aware enough (awareness is a brilliant trait in any human being) to know something wasn't right. Something wasn't as it used to be.

Yet, much of what I teach in training helps mindset.

Is getting stronger going to hinder a man (or woman)?

Does he need to be strong? Of course not, but the act of trying to get stronger, the act of trying to become more durable has made many a mind stronger and more durable, mine included.

The discipline of getting lean has made men more disciplined in other areas of life as well.

Does he need to look lean? Does he need to look like a "man" to be a good person? Of course not, but who's to say he became worse because of attempting something so hard.

Is this wrong?

Genuinely, I don't know the answer.

But the weight on the bar has never determined if you're more of a man.

Neither has how you look.

And it turns out asking for help has never made you less of a man.

My opinion is this: it takes some level of courage and strength to try and get physically stronger, add more muscle or get leaner. Why? Because there is the chance you'll fail and be ridiculed. That is a feeling both men and women feel by the way.

It also takes some level of courage to admit you don't know the answer or need help or need to talk.

Just like it takes courage to be courageous, to take responsibility, to lead by example, to learn, adapt and be coached by others.

And this is why I believe coaching can be so important for men.

It can help them break all stereotypes and be who they want to be.

We look at many of the philospophers on which much of our society, both Eastern and Western, is built on.

Most of these men were true thinkers. Men who could likely talk about life and problems of the mind and heart as good as they could be physically strong.

Which of these characteristics made them more of a man?

The truth is they need not be mutually exclusive.

And so, I come back to this word "should"

And this is where we run into trouble.

On one side, we have tradition, culture and society saying men "should" look and act a certain way.

And on the other side, we have modern day PC activists saying men shouldn't need to do that.

And the truth is: men could look and act a certain way if they wanted. And men could look and act another certain way if they wanted.

Our opinion of how someone else should act (as long as it harms no other human being) is our way to project our world view onto others.

I coach men (and women) to get stronger and look a certain way physically, if that's what they want to do. Whether you think they "should" means nothing. I also help men (and women) feel more confident about themselves, be better parents, be better siblings, learn to talk things through, work for what they want in life and be tougher mentally.

A man can be emotional, sensitive, a deep thinker, a learner, strong mentally and physically, muscular and lean, a good lover...all of these things, if this is what he wants.

What you (or I) believe he should be doesn't matter.

It would be very wrong to say I'm an expert in any of this, far from it.

All I'm saying is coaching has helped many people to become better in all areas of their life.

This is what I help men and women do.

And whether you have a strong opinion on what either sex needs to look or act like, doesn't take away from the fact that helping them become who they want to be is the goal.

I believe this is something we can all agree on.